5
Aug

Fuckstrology: Leo

Thumbnail-HeliosHelios on sexing Leos: So let me paint a scene for you guy: after all this moody Cancer nonsense, making you an agoraphobe and not wanting  to do anything beyond the bare minimum, you get off of doing whatever it is you do (work, errands on your day off from work, hoe-ing [assuming hoe-ing isn’t your work], a stressful day of taking selfies in your underwear and getting that pout just right, what have you…) You decide to go out and unwind. You know, just go out and de-stress, have a couple drinks with your guys/gals, and (assuming that you’re single or somewhat single) maybe spend some time with a sexy stranger.

You get to the watering hole of your choosing, be it divey, upscale or so exclusive its already moved to a new location as you read these words, and you order a drink or two. After settling in, you take stock of the place- scanning to see if there is anyone there who could take care of your needs. A couple catch your eye, but you disqualify them- Bad lighting, with a significant other that you missed, annoying laugh… Whatever the reason. About to give up and resign yourself to going home alone, you see someone appear from an unseen corner in the back of the bar, exactly your type and decidedly unattached (that you can tell). Your eyes catch as you’re checking them out, and you unwillingly betray your interest. They catch that small tell (or not so small, depending on how much you’ve drank so far!) and the game is on! They come over, like an animal stalking its prey, and you try and play it cool. They break the ice and make the first move. You get to talking and one thing leads to another- you go home together. In the afterglow, they mention that it was a great birthday present. You come to realize that you just went home with a Leo!

Wouldn’t it be great if you had a guide to these creatures? Especially when it comes to how they are in bed?!? Wouldn’t you like that for all the signs? Well guess what, we here at Heretical Oracles have you covered with our newest blasphemous (and potentially slanderous) series, FUCKSTROLOGY! where we get embarrassingly honest about our sex lives, failed romances and bring shame upon our families. Good times had by all!

Now I confess that I actually do not have a ton of experience with Leo’s, at least not ones who have proclaimed their leonine credentials to me, and they usually are extremely vocal about that, so I’m going to err on the side of conservatism on this one. My experiences with most of them can be pretty well summarized in the above paragraphs (I can’t abide repeating myself [usually because I’ve already forgotten what I’ve just said])- However there is one particular Leo that comes to mind… This particular Leo and I had known each other for a looooooooooooong time, and there was always sexual chemistry in the form of bitter, bitter rivalry. We couldn’t help it, we were always trying to outdo each other and one up each others accomplishments. It was just the way it worked. When we did do the sex, it was incredibly hot, almost always risky (fire signs all get off on the adrenaline rush along with the sex hormones). These are not Netflix and Chill types. These are the ones who will be out doing something random, and then all of a sudden will get horny, and then try to find the nearest one of their many, many sex slaves that they have on hand. Now, most Leos are into the submission of their sex objects, but thats not exactly my way in the slightest. This only served to excite the Leo for a time, giving them a struggle for dominance and a chance to test themselves, making them better, but after some time they will give up and search for easier prey. And this is what happened in my case. Not that it really bothered me much, as that was right as I started my slutmode adventures, which is a whole nother story in and of itself, and if you want to know that you’d better come prepared with plenty of time and tequila!

Artemis Artemis on sexing Leos-   What could possibly be more attractive to an Aquarian like me other than a Leo?  Okay, maybe another Aquarius, but I digress.  Holy fuck, do the fire driven lions have predator eyes!  Honestly, whenever I see the predator eyes I think “Okay, Leo or Scorpio?  Sexy animal or sociopath killer?”  I have a thing for danger, so either works well for me.   There is this insane polarity with me and Leos that either makes me want to throw them off a cliff or fuck them until they get amnesia.  That fucking smug smile.  Should I kiss it or give them a dirty look?  Either way, they will probably enjoy the attention.

So Aquarius and Leo are opposites, meaning we share about half of our traits and then have the other half in complete opposition.  They want to be worshiped.  We want to be worshiped.  So we kinda both just stare at each other, whispering “Yes, Queen,” taking turns reigning from on top. And LORDY there is nothing better than a Lion on top, I will tell you that for sure.  So, as you can tell, I really like sexing Leos.  The fun part with Leo’s is fighting for power (it gets them super excited).  Anything that gives me the opportunity to rebel gets me excited (typical Aquarius).  They will try and break us Aquas, and we will let them for a little while because they are good at it (really they are).  But then the tables are turned and they can wipe that smug Leo smile off their face when we throw at them something completely unexpected (the Aqua way, of course).  Speaking of the Leo smile… uh hello?  DREAMY.  Don’t let them fool you – they are like little kittens once you get them to cuddle.

UNF, can you say fucking SOLID kissers?  Every Leo I have ever kissed has been fire on my lips.  Talk about intoxicating.  I bring the air, they bring the fire, and we create an overwhelming storm that consumes everything around us, including anything that use to be on the bed or on surfaces anywhere in my room.  You know, I wish I could complain.  I wish I could say, “Oh they are selfish lovers,” or, “They only give a shit about themselves and don’t care about my feelings.”  A. all of my Leo lovers have been very concerned with making sure I have a good time (possibly so they can get that positive review, but I digress again), and B. Aquarians don’t have feelings so it’s all good.  There is something sexy about their confidence, their knowing smirks, and their solar vibe that I just can’t seem to fucking resist.  They light up any room, and they light me up just as quickly.  Jesus fuck, Artemis, do you have anything bad to say at fucking all?  Yeah, they may be full of themselves, but so are us Aquarians.  We get it, so it’s not a big deal unless they are taking away our limelight – then it’s a fucking battle that will probably lead to some intense sex later.  So win win in my book.

What’s one of my favorite things about Leos?  They are sexually indulgent as fuck and all of the ones I have been with have been insatiable – which, for me, is a good thing.  Oh, and their PASSION is unmatched in the Zodiac.  There is nothing sexier than an intense, passionate lover who makes any sexual encounter something special.  All of my Leo lovers have made me feel like a Queen, and, well, what the hell is better than that?  Maybe we should get a harem that will feed us grapes…. *trails off fantasizing*

AHA!  I thought of something that bothers me a little about Leos.  Their fragile egos DO get in the way when they are doing something you don’t quite like but they seem to be very fond of.  But that’s fine.  I love to compliment and build up my lovers, so any instance where an adorable Leo’s ego has been bruised has been smoothed over quite quickly.

So my advice?  You must be tricky prey for these animals.  Seduce, seduce, seduce, and just when they think they have reigned over you, usurp those fuckers, blow their brains out, and leave them for dead (take their shirt and wear it on your way out, they love that shit).  They will always come back for more because there is nothing sexier to a Leo than a blood pumping chase.  Unfortunately for every Leo I have been with, they don’t know that I’m a lion tamer until it’s too late 😉  *cracks whip*

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