Fuckstrology: Virg-hoe

Thumbnail-HeliosHelios’ History with Virgo– Oh, fun- it’s time to talk about more of our relationship failures, awkward one-night stands, and ill-advised Craigslist hookups. This time- Virgo, the sexy librarians and pent-up, kinky accountants of the zodiac! Here are your lipstick lesbians and elusive hot gay nerds, the ones who show up at Comic-Con, and AREN’T just wearing a jockstrap and bodypaint; but actually spend time and money getting their look screen-accurate (or at least screen-inspired) to be properly attired for their whoring. You would think its an awful lot of work just to take off 5 minutes after walking into the bathhouse, but not to Virgo. See to them, the details matter- it is crucial for them to get into the right headspace to get nasty. Its why they are the roleplay masters! Honestly, its not even for you, the costumes and the dialogue- It’s all for them to overcome their insecurities about sex and becoming vulnerable and exposed with another (or more likely multiple) people.

The cliche is that Virgo is the living embodiment of the Madonna/Whore complex; and it is a broad stroke, but in my experience I find it is true AS FUCK. Virgos are ladies in the streets and ultra-freaks in the sheets. Still, there is an awful lot of fantasy (Pisces, their opposite) in everything they do and how they approach their lives or relationships. In the bedroom is the one place Virgo finds the type of bliss that they seek, the type that will quiet the noise in their subconscious mind telling them how awful they are. If you want to get them to hop into bed with you, they need to trust you. They will need a lot of reassurance, and will hold themselves back if there is even the slightest perception that you are using them.

All the above takes for granted that you are dealing with the typical Virgo, and not the rampaging sex beast that is Slutmode Virgo. Now, all of the signs have a slutmode, its human nature, but a Virgo in full slutmode will put any Scorpio to shame with their kinks and open expression of their raw sexuality. When this happens, and you are in a Virgo’s cross-hairs, RUN. They are dangerous like this, Lorena Bobbitt levels of crazy. Ask any Virgo, and they will probably be offended that you even asked, but inside they will WANT to confirm.

Now, one of my exes is famously a Virgo. This one lived in Canada and our first date was in Costa Rica at a Four Seasons. I swear to god I’m not actually making any of this up. Our relationship was primarily an online one, where we would spend all day messaging and skyping all night. We started dating while we were both working on this small website that you all might have heard of called Spirit Science, and it was before they went completely batshit crazy. When we finally did get together, there was a bit of disappointment as they had been using pictures that were about a decade old and had managed to disguise the more… unappealing aspects of their appearance. Then again no one looks good coming off of plane, especially in the jungle. The trip/date was actually an incredible time, with the exception of me causing an unfortunate sex injury (It wasn’t my fault, I swear to you! They were just far too eager and not quite prepared. The lemur thing was their idea!) which kind of put a damper on the rest of the time. Afterwards we tried to go back to the way it was but about a month after they broke up with me (cue gasps) and I made a valiant effort of dropping everything to drive 10 hours and win them back in a huge romantic gesture, and that bought me about another month before it fell apart again.

In summation, Virgo is crazy- Do not stick your dick in crazy. Class dismissed.

Artemis  Artemis’ on Sexing Virgos- Alright, first thing’s first, put this on:  Justify My Love by Madonna

Ok.  Now we’re ready to talk about Virg-hoe.  From my experience, there has always been this strange dichotomy inside of Virgo that I have loved playing around with.  They have this stop go restriction, a very tension oriented attitude when it comes to sex.  They want to feel the restriction, the borders, the creases of everything before diving in.  They want to know the details of your face, the way you hold your cigarette, the particular way you matched your glasses to your belt to your shoes.  They would love nothing more than to play your secretary who teases you endlessly for weeks – breaking you down mentally before breaking you down physically.  And oh gosh, every Virgo I have known has been an intellectually motivated lover.  Being a Mercurial sign, they crave that mental coupling as much as the physical.  They could get lost in the ever growing details of your sex episode, noticing the tiniest of changes in your breathing or your kissing.  They are conscientious, which makes them amazing givers during sex.

They are the partner who will call you up and come up with some sexy fantasy on the phone and know your exact triggers that get you to play along.  They have the wonderful mixture of Mercurial (intellect) and Earth (physical) so they can make any conversation turn into a physical, sexual experience.  They’ll remember how you mentioned that a particular shirt looks lovely on them and they will wear it at just the right time, giving you a wink when you notice what they have done.  They, and Pisces their opposite, are the fantasy/role-play monarchs of the Zodiac.  They want to try (and analyze) everything at least once, and they are some of the biggest voyeurs (along with Aquarius) around.  Sometimes I feel like I’m hanging with Masters and Johnson when I’m around them as they detail all of their strange and exotic exploits.  Virg-hoes are perverted as hell.  Have I mentioned this already?  Friggin perverse as fuck.  It’s all that detail orientation, I tell you!

From my experience, one day they will be extremely passionate with you emotionally, and then the next day they will vanish off the face of the planet – re-establishing the need for restriction and boundaries.  They are careful.  Meticulous.  I once knew a Virgo who literally analyzed his relationship like a research scientist – seeing which behaviors his lover responded to positively or negatively and then developing a new plan of attack to get her to higher levels with him.   You can trust that a Virgo is going to figure out exactly how to turn you on – be it choosing the perfect restaurant or the perfect sex toy.  They are service oriented, and that doesn’t always mean subby (though most of the Virgos I have known have been somewhat subby), but they are focused on you and your enjoyment.  What’s sexier than that?

Once you break what I call the “Virgo Seal,” that is, that restrictive surface bullshit that they put up, they become extremely passionate lovers.  They are an earth sign, after all, and earth signs are sensual as fuuuuuck.  The thing is, my darling Heretics, I have always gotten super super super fucking close to having sex with a Virgo, but I have never actually gotten there.  It has always been this long drawn out game between us where they tease the fuck out of me with their crazy artistic/intellectual dual nature, brain fuck me for weeks on end, and then when it comes to actually doing the act, there has always been something that has gotten in the way.  So Virgo is my eternal missed connection of the Zodiac.  Tsk Tsk Tsk, I wonder when this spell will be broken, and when Virgo will move on from being the sexy, teasing librarian of my life and finally bang me between the bookshelves of the library.


One Comment

  • TT says:

    All true.

    We’re positively depraved, but most will never know the truth much less the extent of it. In all honesty in that sense it’s easier to fuck strangers because the vulnerability is temporary, you’ll never see them again so might as well do xyz…

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