15
Oct

Fuckstrology- Libra

Thumbnail-HeliosHelios– Mirror, mirror, on the wall… who is the fairest of them all? Not fucking Libra, that’s for sure! That’s right, it’s time for another rousing bout of libel from your favorite Heretics! This month’s victim? Libra. Where to begin with Libra? Libra is a sign famed for its love of beauty, art, and the good life. It surrounds itself with only the most beautiful things, and when they realize they can’t afford them they settle for Pottery Barn and the clearance section of Target. Couture AF.

Libras are renowned for being tastemakers and are drawn to pastels,  gaudy patterns, and bad boys with cheekbones for days. A good leather coat will turn Libra’s head every time, even when they’re on a vegan kick (it makes for a good hatebang later). Like veganism or breathatarianism, everything is a phase for Libra- Fashion, Art, boytoys… everything. They live on an eternal quantum, waiting for orders from Gwyneth Paltrow and the assorted rabble of the blogosphere, and when something is passé, they ditch it faster than their empty pumpkin spice latte with locally sourced pumpkin. #SquadGoals

Everyone has a tale of heartbreak courtesy of a Libra, and I am no exception. In fact I have several, like the stripper I ended up starting an undying rivalry over, or the trick who decided to leave me blueballed for our mutual ex… But the one that rings out the loudest is the story of the one who cursed me. We had AMAZING chemistry, and we were hot and heavy for a few months. He had this great background, was from the UK but spoke Russian and was brilliant, specializing in endocrine research (specifically Testosterone, something I obsess over) and was a legitimate gypsy. Well one random morning I left after spending the night there, and didn’t hear from him for months. In that time he was my obsession- almost every thought was of him and I was glued to his every snapchat update. It hurt my job performance, and I literally could not get over him (something I typically have no problem doing) even though I tried. Hell, when I was with other people I literally couldn’t get him out of my head, even when I was balls-deep n someone else! I became convinced that I was under a literal gypsy love curse, and after I got some excellent advice on how to not only break said love curse but return it to the sender, all of a sudden I get a 4am Scruff bootycall. Funny how that happens. Either way I was able to change the narrative and break his heart instead of the other way around, as my pettiness in such matters knows no bounds.

Thus concludes another rousing chapter of True Slut Adventures.

Artemis Artemis–  Out of all of the astrological signs, Libras have fucked me up the most. I say this with a tremendous amount of love, because only the things you love with full abandon can destroy you this much *takes deep breath*.

Fucking Libras. The thing that sticks out the most with my escapades with Libra is their ability to so potently build a fantasy world for you while simultaneously stabbing you back down to reality if you get too close. What the fuck is this paradoxical nature?  One minute they are showering you with romance and have you believing in soul mates, and the next minute they are telling their friends that they don’t think it’s a serious thing – leaving you utterly crushed in the background.

Ugh, speaking of endless back and forth, how about that Libra courting phase?  Courting, courting, courting.  For Libra, romance is of utmost importance.  It was like I was in a god damn romance novel with all my Libra lovers.  They were all poets – all brooding, sexy, intellectual, and cutting.  Gods does that make for a good flirt.  Yes, if anything, Libra can sure as fuck flirt.  Like literally without even trying.  It just comes out of their mouth like an instinctual exhale.  They know exactly how to make anything sound pretty;  especially your suffering and/or their suffering.  Ugh, beaauuuuty, they say that word like it is a name of god.  Their eyes literally start to fucking sparkle when they talk about love and beauty, it’s absolutely ridiculous.

What is the most notorious critique concerning Libras?  That they can never make up their god damn minds.  Especially between lovers.  Literally every single Libra sexual partner I have had was mid love triangle – and always one I found out about months after our romance had begun.  This one or that one?  Which is my soul mate?  Am I making the right decision?  And weighing back and forth and back and forth.  That back and forth motion could be far more useful elsewhere, but Libra obsesses over the right choice.  Sorry to break it to you, Libra, but your obsession with being in the social know has you brainwashed into some Disney idea of love.   It seems that Libras do so much more talking than they do fucking, and once you get to the fucking it never ends up as equal as Libras let on.

Libra live in a paradoxical world where they see that they can’t have a single partner and attempt to suppress this fact entirely with dashes of fairy dust – hoping that plunging into a sort of fantasy realm will relieve them of their self imposed duty to choose.  Libra, you are your own worst enemy.  Why don’t you just understand that you want to flirt with and love up on everyone in very passionate ways?  Why can’t you be okay with that – upfront with that – honest and just with that like you attempt to be with everything else?  *takes another deep breath*

Libras flirt all the god damn fucking time.  They are fantastic at adapting to anyone’s flirtation style, and their impeccable ability to understand social queues comes in handy when they are picking someone up.   They are very good at what they do and have worked up quite the reputation.  They are fantastic at winning people over, and although they love the idea of freedom, they have an underlying controlling nature that is paradoxical to their image as a peacemaker.  They like to be the peacemaker because, secretly, it puts them in a position of power (remember that they are opposites with Aries).  Some Libras aren’t as suave for various reasons, and their attempts at flirting just come off very forced and predictive.  They will still plug away, though, because all Libra flirt and will remain oblivious to the fact that you’re not into it because, you know, they live in some weird romantic fantasy fairy realm.  And once you are direct with them and tell them you have no interest in banging them, they will go ice queen and pretend like they hardly knew your name let alone were flirting with you!!!

Ugh, there has always been this insanity that has bestowed me after a Libra takes their intense attention away.  I feel like someone just stole a pound of cocaine from me or someone set fire to George R. R. Martin before he finished the Song of Ice and Fire series.  The way they make love/fuck (because it’s one in the same for some goddamn reason with them), the way they know the power of the wink, the way they can crush you in front of your friends with a single catty as fuck sentence.  They are always beautiful, no matter what they are doing – kissing you so passionately you get light headed or stabbing you repeatedly in the back while wearing their favorite pair of shoes.  Libra are stylin’ heart-breakers with brooding, pouty lips and just the right amount of perfume.  It’s pretty fucking obvious that Libra is a sign ruled by the planet Venus.  They have a very powerful need to make everything seem beautiful in their lives, including their ugly as fuck behavior.  They can be very oblivious to the fact that they have left behind a trail of shattered hearts because of their obsession for finding the perfect mate.

And gods, will they fucking haunt you.  You’ll see an amazing work of art and notice their smirk or see a diamond ring and remember how their eyes could cut glass.  Their motion – their being – is poetry, and the metaphor of their existence will permeate through you like cancer cells.  Fucking Libras.  They want to get deep, deep…deeper… in your head first (like the other two Air signs, Gemini and Aquarius), and once they have mind fucked you, the sex is so spiritual that you feel like you’re having a fucking Kundalini awakening mid servicing them.  You literally forget you ever had a social life, a job, a body that needs food, and commit yourself to being at their service.  And then they get up and leave before you wake up from your sex coma because their other secret lover is sending snap chats and they can’t possibly have them think that they aren’t they center of their world.  Just like all their other lovers.  Special not so special…

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One Comment

  • Shane Keys says:

    OMG – Bloody hilarious!!! Awesomely true! Btw I managed to give my Libran boyfriend the slip after we broke up! Tricky I must admit! But being a Gemini definitely helped!

    Btw Helios, loved your UK-Russian man story xo ….hehehe I never knew! <3 guys!

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