Fuckstrology: Scorpio

Thumbnail-HeliosHelios– Scorpio! If ever there was a sign that was deserving of a Fuckstrology™, it is this one! Great sign. Unbelievable sign. Scorpio, of course, rules sex in general (but not necessarily pleasure) as well as all the fun kinky shit y’all get up to behind closed doors. I mean the REAL freaky shit. That’s Scorpio. It’s what we really want- And there’s nothing wrong with that sexploration! If it was so bad, then why does it feel so good?

Also ruled by Scorpio is the concept of intimacy. Real, deep, true soul connections are what this sign is concerned with. These people don’t have time for anything less. When they get presented with something less, they tend to become caustic and dismissive, even if what is offered seems fine to the person presenting it. Its just not worth the Scorpio’s time in their eyes. Now, Scorpios tend to be renowned for their sexual prowess, and a lot of it is due to the intimacy factor. They are also the idea that the crazy ones are the best in bed, because god help you if you try and untangle yourself from a Scorpio who isn’t ready to let you go- Ask Lorena Bobbitt about that one!

If you’re lucky, you have a good Scorpio story or two, and if you’re even luckier you got away in one piece! I have been mostly lucky in my dealings with these creatures, but lord knows there have been some close calls. In high school, the first time I slept with a set of twins were both Scorpios! That ended badly, because of course it did- They both got jealous and didn’t want to share any more. Then there were these two girls who both wanted me, a Scorpio and her Aries friend, and they ended up literally fighting in the street over it and getting arrested. There was a night referred to only as Mexico, and shall not be discussed in any further detail by any of the participants.

If you’re noticing a theme of possessiveness and secrecy involving intimate details, you’re getting more of the Scorpio picture. They LOATHE having their dirty laundry aired in public and every bit of trust you earn with them is also a test- they want to see if you are worth more trust. Its not above Scorpio to give you fake info or put you in a trap to try and bait you into betraying them. They play these mind games to weed out the undeserving from their lives. Should you pass these tests, however- you will end up with a confidant forever, a fearsome fighter and supporter of your goals. All you have to do is earn them.

P.S: Should you ever need to really fuck with a Scorpio’s head- get them a gift, unasked for and without any occasion. Something they either would love or need. Make no big deal about it, nor should you put it in garish wrapping or anything like that. Just a simple bow making it obvious that its a gift yet not hiding what the gift is. Leave it where they will find it and draw ABSOLUTELY NO ATTENTION TO IT. Let them find it, with no explanation or card. It will drive them absolutely bonkers and they will feel honorbound to get you something in return. The perceived debt will mess them up more than any fight or drama- that shit is their foreplay anyway.
ArtemisArtemis–  Sexy sexy, Scorpio. Did I mention sexy? There is no other sign in the Zodiac that has the sexual reputation of this sign, and don’t we all know why.  They are mysterious and hard to read, always prodding and picking at your mind while averting any attention drawn to their own mental processes.  It feels like you just saw a white rabbit and it’s bounding into some deep dark cave.  Do you go?  Do you follow?  Will they show you wonderful things once you go in, or is that the place where they kill you?  Am I okay with that?  I feel like I’m okay with that.  You walk into Scorpio holding your hands out in trust, and you dive.  The whole mystery play is so that they can see just how far you would go, just how loyal you are, and only then will they reveal the deep, dark waters brewing underneath.  Damn I’m turning myself on, Jesus, dat mystery.  And isn’t that what we all find so fucking sexy?  The mystery is a huge part of their allure.

So, let me say this bluntly; Scorpio fucking terrifies me.  There is, at the same god damn time, a repulsion and a magnetism to them.  There is something cold… calculating about their approach to others.  The thing is, Scorpios, in similar fashion to Aquarians, only come off aloof because they are terrified of getting hurt.  They feel too much.  Depending on an individual’s moon sign, some Scorpios are better at hiding this all consuming emotional energy than others.  Scorpio is a fixed water sign, meaning they are directly channeling that all consuming, trans-mutational energy of water and may literally feel like they are being crushed with emotional intensity at all times.

And you can sure as hell feel that in the middle of fucking them.  Holy shit.  
Scorpio is penetrating water.  Yeah, I think that’s the metaphor I want to use.  Penetrating water.  All those icky things you don’t want to feel, they force it out of you with their crow bar of a stinger.  And they will REVEL in it when they do.  Sometimes I feel like Scorpios get off more on the emotional energy received during sex than the sex act itself.

“Give me your longing, give me your desire, give me your fear, give me your pain, give me your raw love.”

So much emotion.  So much intensity.  All leading to another of Scorpio’s more famous personality traits… their jealousy.  Scorpio’s jealousy is unrivaled (the closest would be Taurus, a.k.a. mine mine mine I will impale you with these horns, I fucking swear to God).  They, like their opposite Taurus, seek stability.  In order to get that intense, that deep with someone, they require loyalty.  And both signs will give it to you in turn.   Scorpio, like Cancer, is very much into self protection.  If you tread on her, she will instinctually sting you.  It is her nature.

Scorpios make fierce lovers who will literally stalk the fuck out of anyone who dares to harm you, and then hang them over a rooftop while shouting scary things at them before letting them get away (the screaming and fear as they run kinda gets them off more than the actual killing part).  This also means be very fucking careful about breaking a Scorpio’s heart.  All those lovely things they bring come with a hazard.  Yes, you will get an ultra sexy affair, but you will also have to face their famous vengeful (you better hope your Scorpio has some heavy Cancer in their chart or some shit to ward that vengeance off).

Now there are 3 types of Scorpios– the Scorpion, the Eagle, and the Phoenix (also known as The Dove).

First there is the Phoenix.  She is the rarest, but when you find her OMG.  She is the Scorpio that will transform your heart and liberate you.  In her presence you will literally feel reborn.  Sex with her will be tantric, like a melding of souls into a new alchemical substance.  You will find out what creating something more than yourself is, and she will heal you like the water heals the earth.  She will un-knot your shadows and cradle you while they process, and she will bring you peace – like an angel of death.  Do you dare enter her fires to be transformed?  She is the Sun, blazing and difficult to look at because she brings out all of our shadows long and dark before us.  But through this she is also our salvation.

Then there is the Scorpion.  She is the one who doesn’t give a fuck how she leaves her lovers.  She will tear them a part, find their weak spots and twist and turn her blade until they open up.  And then she will take all the gooey nice emotions for herself, all the orgasmic energy for herself, and leave you her thrall.  She is viscous and single minded, and she has very little control over her instincts.  She is the “fallen” version of Scorpio, why the gods turned Scorpio from an Eagle into a belly to earth dwelling insect.  She is the terror we feel when we think about Scorpio, and she will torture you just for the pleasure she gets out of your pain.  Yeah, best to avoid her unless your into that sort of thing…

Then there is the Eagle.  She understands power.  With her keen third eye, she can see emotional dynamics like musical notes – almost predictable in their change and rhythm.  She will play the fun power games with you just so she can see where your ideas about “control” lie, and then she will slowly unravel you from there.  She always has a goal and she is a fierce warrior.  She will fight for her friends and lovers like none other, and she is fiercely loyal.  You know where her love lies, and you will feel the intensity and sharpness of her love like a bullet.  She wont be afraid to shine a flashlight into your soul, but she requires the same of you or she will bore.

All three Scorpios tend to be very experimental with lovers, curious to use any tactics to get further and further into your psyche.  They are the detective, the psychologist of the Zodiac, and opening you up emotionally gets them off just as much as opening you up physically.  Contrary to popular belief, Scorpios are not as into free love and sex all willy nilly.  A one night stand may be hot if they are plastered drunk, but a Scorpio in their sober mind craves the depths of ocean waters.  Sex is a serious fucking thing for them (hell, how could it not be with all that fucking intensity?), so if a Scorpio chooses you as a partner you know it’s fo’ reaaaaaal.

We are all drawn to sex with a Scorpio, because we are aware that they represent the transformational power of sex.  And is Scorpio drawn to sex?  I don’t know, is Virgo drawn to organizing your room?  Is Aquarius going to ask a fucking weird question?  Yes.  That which we are seeking is also seeking us.

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