Fuckstrology: Aqueerius

Helios– Biiiiiiiiiiiitch…. Lets talk about some Aqueers (Aqueri? Aquariums?). Now, I have a lot to say on the matter, as I tend to have a type, and it is typically Aquas. They are like catnip to me, and I cannot resist them. Aquarians have this intoxicating, magnetic draw that just pulls you in. They are iconoclasts, rebels, and they have really terrible hair most of the time. Like, really bad.

Now this whole post is going to be biased, but then again so is the series in general. I really, really, really like Aquas. That being said, there has not been a one of the bastards who hasn’t ended up breaking my heart. Still, they are the ones I have had the greatest attraction to and chemistry with. Lord, protect me from what I want….

Aquas are fun, sexy and flirty. Unfortunately, they do this all without trying or being aware of it- They just think that they are being friendly and are shocked to wake up and they are accidentally married. When they actually are interested in someone, literally all their charm and poise goes flying out the window and they become dumb, deaf and awkward as all hell. Also for some reason they lose control over their speaking volume. Jury’s still out on that one. When they actually can seal the deal and take someone home, Aquariums are actually really great in bed. They want to make sure that they are pleasing their partners and that they make the sex something to remember.

Okay, now onto the part you all live for- My trashy romps with the signs and how I failed to make it work with them. *Shoots whiskey* So, after my ludicrous failure with my Capricorn ex, I kind of fell into a hookup/fwb thing with my first real Aqua ex. I’m not in the mood to skirt around anything so lets call him TJ, because that’s his name. This bastard gave me some of the greatest sex of my life, I won’t hide it. He was damn good in bed, and we were both into each other. Neither of us liked commitment much though, so I left his queeny, Holy Spearit- loving ass behind. Thus started a torrid, on-again off-again thing with us. The annoying thing is that the universe seemed to be hell-bent on us being together, having me literally run into him in the most ridiculous scenarios and occasions. He asked me to go on vacation with him to a resort in Key West, and we had a lot of fun (including my first orgy and the first time I ever hooked up with a porn star!) unfortunately I was still under 21, so I couldn’t truly drink or do things like going into the strip clubs they went into. It did, however, cure me of any remaining feelings that I had for the asshole, as he would literally bring people to fuck him while I was in the bed we were sharing. He also didn’t like the fact that I was far more popular at the resort than he was (What can I say? Tops have more fun!) and ended up sticking him with the entire bill for the hotel, drinks and food. Fun fact, he is also where the rule came from to never do the chart of anyone I was dating/fucking, because when I did his it made it weird and helped the relationship to decay. Later on, we would continue to randomly connect in the most unintentional times and ways, but never did we truly connect again. I gave him some great sex but never made the mistake of getting invested.

This was a reoccurring theme with me, as it turns out. I just remembered another Aqua ex, this one even further back. Lets call him B, and he could honestly be considered the first guy I ever fell for (which in hindsight explains SO MUCH). Now, he and I went to high school together (I know, I know. Let me tell the story) and I ended up falling in with his group after crushing hard on my lovely Sagittarius best friend, who was the first person I ever came out to as bisexual. There was a party at his house where unspeakable acts occurred that will only be referred to as “Mexico”. I fell in love with him shortly after that, but there was a problem- He had a girlfriend. In fact, his current girlfriend was the result of him cheating on his previous girlfriend, and apparently that was his pattern. We spent a lot of time together, and he knew how I felt. One night he confessed that he felt the same (while we were walking to his girlfriends place), and from there we started sneaking around behind everyone’s back. We kept this up til he graduated, and it was some of the best sex I have ever had. We also had some pretty explosive arguments as well. The emotional connection was far more one- sided on my part, but again I was a high-schooler.

Last but not least, we have my longest running relationship, J. I dated this guy for almost two years. It was honestly magical. We got together because of our mutual love over nerd stuff, and I seduced him with Doctor Who quotes over Grindr. We had an extremely emotionally fulfilling relationship, and for the first time I had someone to show off to friends and could honestly make a part of my life. I won over his friends as well, and it felt like something with some actual potential. Hell, we even went to London together! Only one problem- We would never have sex. In the entire time we dated, we had sex one and a half times. In two years. I know, its absolutely nuts, but I was young and in love. And I was incredibly faithful, even when we opened up our relationship to other people. He was incredibly unstable emotionally, and was prone to manic mood swings- which he would take out on me. I was a prisoner in the relationship, and he was brutally emotionally abusive, yet still as it came to an end I agonized over whether I should or shouldn’t leave him. The final straw came when I wanted him to meet my parents on my birthday, but he decided that he would rather spend the weekend with a 350 lb  ginger bear (large fat and hairy gay man, for the unintiated) than spend my birthday with me. So I broke up with him on my birthday. I came to find out later that he was not being faithful to me, and we never had sex because he was only attracted to black men, I was the only white guy he ever dated. After we broke up, he went off the deep end, and started working for Amway. He alienated all his friends, and no one spoke to him so he came crawling back to me. I tried to be friends again for a while, but he got incredibly upset at me for taking a job opportunity that came suddenly and would need me to relocate to California for a while. He called me every vile name in the book as I left him in the dust to go recover in the sun, where I met my porn star ex. Last I heard J was dating a meth addicted ex-felon, who was both a drag queen and a stripper, but who also was extremely keen to get me in bed since he hit me up several times on Grindr to ask me to “load up his poz hole with my white stud load”. Also he sent me his dick pics- Im not impressed; The myth about black guys isnt always true. Best of luck boys!!!

Artemis-  So, for our fans that do not know, yes, I, Artemis, am very much an Aquarian.  It is quite tragic, honestly, that it seems to be common fashion for Aquarians not to fuck other Aquarians.  “Been there done that,” I guess is what we usually think, unless the fellow Aqua has some strangeness in the chart that we haven’t gotten a taste of yet.  We like the new, we like the curious, and we are not done exploring until the day you slam the cover of our casket.  And then some, because, you know, the next dimension we move on to probably has it’s own set of sexual adventures…

I reached out to a few ex lovers because, although I’ve never fucked a fellow Aquarian, they have all obviously been through the ringer with me:

Libra Ex, “Go fuck yourself, you cold, selfish bastard.”

Alrighty then, we are off to a lovely start.  I mean, I would have guessed there would be much more to say from the perspective of a pillow queen!  They are the one getting the whole damn show, after all.  And although she may not admit it, I believe our brain sex was off the hook.  And fuck, do Aquarians love brain sex!  One of our favorite past times is seeing how hot and bothered we can get someone without even touching them.  King/Queen/Kahleesi of experimentation, Aqua is the scientist with laser eyes who inspects your every frac(tal)tional movement for all of your soft spots. The water-bearers are represented by the Angel (or perfect human), perched high above in the clouds, observing all of you mere mortals as you go about our business of flesh. Aqua is very much into the eroticism of distance. For us, the mind is flesh and eroticism starts there.  And speaking of voyeurism…

Capricorn Ex, “…………. you’re the reason I’m like this.  You’re the reason I will never feel complete again.”

Aye, this Cappy ex and I participated in some strange voyeuristic acts.  Hell, I still want that video tape back.  If not, I hope she fucking burned it in a funeral pyre alongside my fucking heart and all of the things I ever gave her.  Both Aqua and Capricorn have giant walls of ice that you must get through in order to experience the deep passion that is brewing underneath.  We both want to know if you can handle what is behind the dam before we let the flood gates down.  This is usually why Aquarians are thought of as cold and uncaring – because we know it has to be light and fun or we will suck you into some fucking black hole with our sexuality that you can never come out of again.  We wont just have your body, oh no – we don’t stop at that.  We want your mind and especially that soul of yours.

Aqua knows that distance is needed to build sexual energy. An Aqua will prod and tease you in all the places where she knows you can’t touch her (like work, school, your parent’s house) until you have no choice but to take her in the back of the car, at noon, on the side of the road somewhere. And that’s just the way we like it.

As a side note, what in the fucking hell does that response even mean?  Is she now totally and completely insatiable?  Is she desperately filling the void I left inside of her with bad sex and office hours?

Capricorn Ex, “I knew you would hit me up again.  I’ve been waiting.”


I didn’t even bother contacting my Cancer ex because who the fuck wants to deal with those water works.  I mean, I love emotions and intensity, but if it’s just emotions with no intellectual structure surrounding them then it is literally pointless for an Aquarian.  We will run for the fucking hills if we don’t have that mind connection when water signs vomit their love all over us.  Fuck, I love poetry and love letters, but not without catering to my sapiosexual nature first.  But hell, I do remember that our sex was very good…  that is, until I ran out of things to talk / argue / debate / analyze / muse about.  Then the sex dried up as well.  I mean, fuck, we are an air sign after all.

Aries Ex, “I will say you give amazing fucking head and it was always fun eating a ton of mushrooms and fucking for hours, but I thought you told me I was dead to you and I should never contact you again?”

Oh right, I totally did.  And sex on psychedelics, I mean, who doesn’t want to try that at least once?  Aquas are forever the ones who march to the beat of their own drum, and our sexuality is no different. We really don’t give a fuck what is appropriate or conventional in love making. We will do whatever strikes our fancy, and we will never stop surprising our partner. Aquarius is known as the sign of kink for good reason. We are the masters of experimentation, so don’t ever be afraid to bring something up to us that you would like to try.  We have probably thought about it before and have an instruction manual to go with it.

I contacted my Taurus ex, but I think she is still sore about me forgetting to take my Buddhist mantra ring off before fucking her…  I mean, I was super in the moment?

Taurus ex, “If you want to know what sex with an Aquarian is like, maybe go fuck yourself.”

So, as you can see, Aquarians kinda burn bridges after relationships / sexual encounters.  The thing is, we go in very intensely (har har) so when we cut ties we need to sever completely so we can go all in intensely with the next lover.  So we get two kinds of exes:  the kind that never wants to speak to us again, and the kind that stalks the living shit out of us for the rest of our lives.

Leo Ex, “Did I ever tell you that you took my virginity?”


So, yes, us Aqua have a strange sort of swagga.  Who doesn’t like the hot loner coasting through town on their way to distant lands? Aquarius is a visitor from somewhere far beyond here, and their brand of love making is strange and exciting. We can see it in their mannerisms, their likes and dislikes, their eccentric way of communication. They are not from here, and we are intrigued. And our earthly ways are intriguing to them as well. They really just want to know how everything feels, how everything tastes, and are all for the experimentation between pleasure and pain.

Pisces Ex, “I’m still not sure why you never did sex magick with me.  We had so much potential.  We were born from the same star, you and I.”

Maybe, you know, the whole melding of the souls thing with someone I wasn’t whole heartedly into wasn’t something I wanted to take lightly?  I know Pisces just wants to dive into the well of the world, but at least get me some emotional fucking lube first, gawed damn.

So the list goes on and on and on, but I decided to opt for some good news for the finale 😉

Current Gemini Girlfriend, “I don’t even know where to start. One minute we’ll be staring into each other’s eyes, getting lost in love, and the next I’m thrown on the bed and we turn into beasts who can’t distinguish fabric from flesh. If I have to use one word: amazing.”

Aquarians tend to be severely misunderstood. They call the water-bearer heartless, alien, off-beat, and contrary. They say she is a stubborn ice queen, prepared to dissect each of your layers until she can arrive at some self deluded state of “knowing.” What they don’t understand about Aquarius is that she feels TOO much. She feels everything and everyone all the time, and must place a wall up or she will swallow everything up like the sea. She is the veins, the rivers, the tributaries pumping from the passionate, lion heart of Leo. Her eroticism is all encompassing. Her love is the force of the entire planet.

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