Fuckstrology: Pisces Play

Helios– Is it wet in here or is it just me? Oh, wait no- It’s Pisces. Sign of dreams, delusions and fantasy, Pisces is always chasing some ephemeral love and is completely unsatisfied with anything less than a transcendent experience. An orgasm that doesn’t shake them to their very soul just won’t do. Then again, sex to Pisces is almost… not worth it? No, your typical Pisces is far more about the connection that they have with you. While with Geminis you have to bed their mind first, Pisces you have to win their heart before you get anywhere else.

With Pisces, its always best to be sort of simple. Pisces love direct people, they shine out to them like a lighthouse guiding them in off the chaotic seas of this confusing world. The more that they can understand you and feel like they know you, the better. The best example of Pisces that I know comes from the movie 500 Days of Summer. The titular character is Zoey Deschanel, and she plays a dreamier, more manipulative version of herself. There is this whole bit about her having this big, secret world that only she resides in, and it keeps her safe from the world. All Pisces have this. If they feel like they can find a refuge in you than you will be their one person in the world that they trust, and share everything with. Obviously that can go very wrong very quickly if it is not mutual.

In fact, Pisces gets used and abused more than any other sign (except maybe Cancer), but truth be told it happens so much that they start to enjoy it. Pisces has all the fun kinks (don’t tell Scorpio!) like the B and M parts of BDSM, Slutty Nurse and sexy doctor, Pirates… any kind of roleplay, really! Pisces also rules porn in general, and they LOVE making sex tapes. Strippers and any other fantasy work is squarely Pisces, and boy howdy do they love making your dreams come true!

Now, I have never actually had a significant relationship with a Pisces, so I can’t quite call this sign a failure yet. I have, however, had more than my fair share of almost-loves with Pisces; Situations that came close but never actually became more than sparks. If that’s not Pisces in and of itself, I don’t know what is. There’s the makeup artist gamer guy who timing and distance didn’t really allow me to be much more than fuck buddies with (even though I wanted more), the stunningly gorgeous work wife who very nearly became something awesome before the Aqua ex (#3) ended up getting me fired (thanks homophobia and lack of federal protections!), and the beach bum from my high school days who washed up into my DMs randomly and we were flirting without me even realizing he was into me…. I could go on. None of them truly became more than a dream though, to varying degrees of unfortunate.

Oh Phucking Pisces, this is going to be easier than shooting fish in a barrel.  Pisces, ruled by the king of illusions (that would be Neptune), is quite the magical sign.  One could even say so magical they are “charming.”  They make you feel special, like you are the only one in the world and you are somehow living in a strange and seductive fairy tale (similar in some ways to Libra).  You meet them and you instantly feel enchanted, and even the shy Pisces exude a sexual energy that they may not be aware of.  There is no imagination like a Pisces imagination, and they will construct a world so real between the two of you that you will begin to wonder if in fact it really does exist… or they really do exist?

There are two types of Pisces – the bullshit believers and the bullshit artists.  Either way, there is a lot of bullshit involved.  Here’s the thing – all Pisces begin to believe their own bullshit at some point, but a good majority of Pisces will believe your bullshit, too (unless they have something in their chart negating this – like a Mercury in Capricorn). Unlike their fellow water sign, Scorpio, who wont let you in without vetting the fuck out of you first, Pisces is extremely likely to fall in love with someone new every single day.  Love is just so fucking exciting for them, and every Pisces – whether they admit it or not – is an extreme hopeless romantic. And each new love encounter is like their very first, bringing love songs and glittery eyes for days to come.  They are also notorious for having chronic whip lash – I mean, dat ass, amirite?  More than anything, Pisces wants to live in a state of awe and constant seduction.  The Bullshit Artist Pisces are one of the prime seducers of the Zodiac.  No one can lay game like a Pisces.  They will be able to intuitively pick up on your personal fantasy, and they will act it out to perfection.  This can be quite fun (if you are into an element of fantasy), or it could be extremely off putting for people who are looking for extreme genuineness.  But, then again, Pisces is extremely genuine about not believing in an objective reality!  So, if you aren’t a story teller or fantasy oriented, Pisces may not be your game.

Do you want to seduce a Pisces? Tell them what a tortured individual you are! They will eat that fucking shit up. Pisces have a habit of taking in the wounded.  They want to heal their lovers (they like to play nurse like Virgo), so the damaged are usually their first choice for relationships. But Pisces, being a mutable sign, also has a problem with losing themselves in their lover’s problems and descending further into their depressive behavior. So strong boundaries with a Pisces are necessary not just for you, but for them too.  All of that incredible emotion that allows Pisces to be the intuitive, passionate artists that they are also brings them into the darkest layers of the void.  You will have to be able to deal with the immense amounts of emotional purging that is necessary for Pisces in order for them to continuously transform.  If you can keep up the pace, and give them a beautiful enough story to create with you, you will feel like gods crafting your own universe – growing stronger and more volatile as the days pass.  If you can’t keep up with them, prepare to become a major part of their depression.  You need to push your Pisces lover to create – both in their artistic life plus in the bedroom.  If you aren’t exploring each other like an astronaut exploring a universe, and if you aren’t constantly seeking new ways to open emotional depth, Pisces will grow bored, depressed, and restless.  They don’t find commitment and loyalty sexy like Taurus/ Scorpio/ Capricorn/ Cancer. They find romance sexy – so keep it alive.  If not, Pisces are notorious cheaters (unless they have heavy earth in their charts).  They get swept up in romantic situations so fully they may forget where they are and who they are, so of course they aren’t going to remember you! But when their emotions aren’t getting the better of them, Pisces can be tremendously thoughtful and sensitive to your needs.  This dual nature makes them extremely frustrating, unless they can find a lover that can help them gain control over their emotional currents.   They must learn to surf their emotions instead of constantly drowning in them – holding their breath as each new wave topples them over into a brand new world – cutting ties with where they had just once been.

Pisces’ love a good use of imagination in bed. They want to play games, they love to roleplay (like their opposite, Virgo), and they are extremely open to trying new things (very much like Aqua). Pisces have an ethereal way about them. They can command a magnetic personality, or they can slide into the background completely unnoticed – this is a part of their mutable nature. This also makes it easy for them to ghost the fuck out of your life (yay mutables! this is why I drink, because of mutables). But if a Pisces has had a considerable love relationship with you, they will never be able to forget you. They aren’t like Aquarius who can say “you are fucking dead to me,” when the relationship is over and really fucking mean it.  A Pisces heart is like a haunted house with ghosts of ex’s past, which can be extremely annoying for lovers in their present. They will reminisce and will hold their lovers on a pedestal even if they were brutal toward them; all because they struck that deep, romantic cord with Pisces (and were probably a tortured individual Pisces tried to save).

But once Pisces realizes that there are plenty of fish in the sea, they become “Playful Pisces” or “Player Pisces” instead of “crying about my ex’s into an empty carton of Ben and Jerry’s Pisces.” We all know “Player Pisces.”  Yeah, that shitbag who will romance the fuck out of multiple women/men, go to a party where all of them are present and make out with someone new.  There is literally no room you have ever been in with this Pisces where a woman or a man doesn’t end up storming out balling their eyes out.  These are the Pisces who don’t realize that love is not a game, and professing false feelings is called “lying” not, “I was just having fun!”

“Playful Pisces” realizes the true potential of their intuitive powers.  I once knew a fully sexually realized Pisces who could command a room like a celebrity had just walked in it.  She had men shoving bottles of Pepsi up their ass just to be in her presence (did I mention she was a dominatrix?), and she would write the most amazing erotica I have ever had the honor to read.  She had a bit of an obsession with “obsession,” showing me how deep and far (haha) and all prevailing love could be.  She was truly a romantic at heart.  With her moon in Leo, she had a glorious red mane and eyes that were like pools of water lit on fucking fire.  She infused me with a sense of self esteem and enough confidence to leave a very sexually unfulfilling relationship.  Essentially, she knighted me into the kingdom of being both emotionally and sexually fulfilled and how important that is for an artist.  She taught me that a romantic relationship can also be heavily sexually charged, and that I didn’t need to take shit from anyone about who I was.  This Pisces knew how important the “story” was for lovers to surrender enough to ecstatic sexual states, and she constructed that story like a god damn orchestral production.

Speaking of orchestra, both of the Pisces I have been with have been musicians – and both have been singers (good lord, the irony).  Let’s call them “Pisces A” and “Pisces B.”  Both seemed to intuitively know exactly what I was looking for at the time (hookups as I had just ended serious relationships before each one of them).  Both had a dreamy quality to them that I could never quite figure out the source of.  One minute I would be conversing normally with them, smoking a blunt with one of them or taking shot after shot with the other, and then I’d be under them furiously making out with their pants unzipped and their hands up my shirt with me thinking, “WHEN THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?”  

Which actually just triggered a memory for me.  I have actually slept with 3 Pisces, one being the one and only dude I ever slept with.  Let’s call him “Pisces C”.  He was nice and sweet and considerate, and stopped when he knew it just wasn’t fucking working for me at all (I mean, I had my eyes glued shut and was literally fantasizing about women while it happened – I was probably cringing and he said he was turned off by how turned off I was LOL).  We laughed, smoked a joint, and I told him he had to work on his giving head game.  When he asked me why I slept with him, I told him I essentially wanted to put the question to rest in my mind once and for all and tell everyone who told me “just give it a try” to shove it, and I thanked him for not being a fucktard about it.  When my friends asked me about the situation, I told them (to famously quote the lesbian super model Gia), “I could have done that with a German Shepard.”  So, in a funny way, a Pisces taught me that I should follow my heart and actually fucking trust in it and my desires instead of succumbing to peer pressure.    

Ironically, I slept with all 3 Pisces after huge breakups in my life, and I was either extremely wasted or high during the process (because, you know, Pisces rules over intoxication).  Pisces A was extremely feminine and had a sort of Stevie Nicks vibe to her.  She was a barista at this coffee shop I frequented in New York City and was essentially one of those uber spiritual festival going girls who hula hooped with fire and sang in an experimental electronica band.  She would make it a point to make eyes and flirt very visibly with me every time I came in, but I never responded due to being in a committed relationship at the time.  Once my girlfriend and I broke up though, I engaged one day and asked her out on a date.  We ended up drinking a ton of martini’s one night and hooking up – though I barely remember much of it because of how many martini’s we both drank.  We continued a flirtatious back and forth for over a year after that, but never really hooked up again.  I guess I really enjoyed the idea of her, but I couldn’t stand the fact that I didn’t believe a god damn thing that came out of her mouth.  I mean, I wanted to believe, but every element of her persona seemed contrived – like she was attempting to construct this perfect fantasy for me instead of ever truly giving me her raw, true self.  So I dropped that shit.

Pisces B was an amazing musician with a deep spirituality that spoke to me on many levels.  We would spend hours up on hours working on music, cracking each other up, and delving into philosophy and mysticism.  She taught me how to construct music (something I was never taught by my musician father), and helped me get in tune with “past lives.”  She built up my self esteem at a time when I desperately needed it, and supported my art like a true friend.  We ended up hooking up after a long round of blunts, and although she was not necessarily the type of woman I go for (I am a sucker for the feminine women), she had a sexual energy that I could not deny and was in dire need of at the time.  Jesus, that’s a trend isn’t it?  Pisces being able to mutable their way around my usual type.  Anyway, this Pisces could command an audience (very much like my dominatrix Pisces friend).  She had women practically drooling in her presence, and my female friends were constantly asking me how they can find themselves in her bed.  Which, you know, got me thinking, “WTF am I, chopped liver?”  She had some of the most gorgeous, intelligent and talented women throwing themselves on her, and her music thrived off of this influx of sexual energy (she knows how to channel that shit).  Like, she literally fucking had groupies and you best not bring her around your girlfriend (you don’t want to learn that lesson).  Although Pisces B and I never found ourselves in a state where we ever would be in a relationship, a beautiful and strong friendship developed between us and we both shared our secrets of seduction and mysticism like two Queens in their own right.  To this day I consider Pisces B a strong influence on building up my self esteem – with divine and selfless love (ah that actualized Pisces!).

So yeah, Pisces can be slippery fucking slime-balls that will make you rue the day you believed in romance, or they can also raise you to new levels and heal you like a divine healer sent from the gods themselves.  It all depends on how they handle their own darkness and if they have found a sturdy enough anchor in their lives (like Pisces B and her music).  But no matter what, they want to know what’s your f-f-fantasyyyyy!

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