Helios– *Dramatic sigh* I was SO hoping to make this a happy, victorious post. Fortunately for all of you who love to take perverse pleasure in our romantic failures and shenanigans, y’all get to indulge your schadenfreude again! Whatever, our misery gets more traffic than our happiness anyway… ARIES! God, I love Aries. They are just… just the tits. I know I said that Saggo was my all-time favorite sign to take back from the bar, but man does Aries give them a run for their money! SO. I know there are a good many of you who have been waiting for this, easily the most hyped Fuckstrology yet, so let’s dive in, shall we?
Aries is an incredible sign to bang, and yes I am completely biased. My Venus is in Aries, and so I will always be attracted to the dynamic, fun, direct and bold natives of this sign more than any others. Aries is always attractive, because they just kind of…. seethe with sexual energy, in the way that Scorpio wishes that they did. Scorpio may be an always-hot ember, but Aries is a flash fire, coming out of nowhere and consuming all in its path. No matter what form it takes, Aries is pure energy, and that is incredibly attractive when it is channeled correctly– Otherwise it burns the natives up from within and everyone else is collateral damage.
In bed, Aries is all about Domination. Even if they’re the one on the receiving end, they are the ones in control of the sexy times. In fact, most Power Bottoms I know are Aries! They embrace the classic Lady Gaga (also an Aries!) mantra- “And baby when it’s love, if its not rough it isn’t fun!”. They do not want the soft, intimate lovemaking of Pisces, or the kink and roleplay of Aquarius– No, they just want to get down, dirty, and keep it moving! Aries are adventurers, and they swagger around like them, always knowing what they want and how they’re going to get it. If you want to drive them crazy though, make them work for it. Never give it all to Aries on the first date- you have to keep them interested. To catch that interest, wearing red works every time. They’re like Bulls in that regard, and if you are skilled like a matador you can dance them right into your bedroom!
Aries usually follows the stereotypical script, though maybe not to the hyperbolic degree that most astro-nuts take them to- Not all Rams are getting in bar fights every night and wearing 80’s leather. All Aries are, however, on some sort of crusade. They are all the heroes in their own story- you won’t find any of them playing second fiddle to some other loser! Aries has a way of making things black and white- The world is simple to them, and they have a child’s mind in that way. That is not at all to insult their intelligence, most of them are actually quite astute in their way- And don’t get me started on them and their relationship to “The Truth”! To an Aries, something is true or it isn’t- there is very little room for subtlety or shades of grey in their lives. It’s all incredibly binary, and incredibly annoying to Geminis, who have a bit more of an… let’s say flexible relationship with the truth.
Speaking of Gemini… lets get to the real reason y’all come here. I have had more than my fair share of Aries lovers, and I do not regret one second of them (even if it never works and they piss me off to no end!). With Aries it always burns hot and bright, but quickly fades away. One example of this is the fashion student who made leather harnesses- A hot twink, a bit punk, great kisser and super into me; Just my type! He comes over after I move out of my moms house and can FINALLY host, and we have seriously amazing sex. I see stars with him. It was love at first orgasm, and then I never hear from him again. This proceeds to mess me up for months, until I get sent out to California.
A bit before that, in high school, I was always hanging around the older kids. No idea why, I just always gravitate towards people older than me- I’ve always been more comfortable with adults than people my age. Go figure. Anyway, one of these people was a girl from my Drama class- I was a freshman, she was a senior. She was super political, and when I came up in high school we had mass layoffs of teachers my first year. You can all see where this is going? Well there was major sexual energy, but I was in a VERY confusing time for me, and we never actually connect on that level. However, we remain friends and she is at the party known only as Mexico. She becomes a central figure of my life from 14-19, and we were so close that her then-boyfriend, now-husband (A Libra) frequently punches me for perceived slights of me crossing a line with her. She manipulated the situations so that it always looked like something that it wasn’t, when she wanted attention from him, and one day I just got fed up with it and booted her from my life– Aside from random encounters (its a small town where I’m from) we had no further interaction and I was happier for it. Shes a wife and a mother but she still comes around to try to mess with my life sometimes, and I just think that’s sad.
*sigh* I really didn’t want to have to write this next section, and I’m hoping against hope that I can change the narrative here. After I moved to be in proximity to Artemis so that we could actually make this thing of ours work, I started dating a bit. Nothing serious, as I was still wrapped up in the ending of one relationship (which even though it was toxic, I’m still hurting over. Damn emotions), but as that one died, another possible partner came out of nowhere. We started talking on Grindr, and hit it off immediately- He was fine as hell, and said all the right things. I rose to the challenge as well, and I know for a fact I presented the best version of myself possible- We were both hooked on each other and we knew it. Then we met in person, had an honest to god date which lasted 7 hours and involved great sex- The chemistry was electric! We continue talking, and then get together again another time; This one was less electric, but the chemistry is definitely still there- it was more or less a work function for him and as such I was on my best behavior. Beyond that, there was drama involving his brother running away from home and that stressed him out, which is not exactly conducive to fun times. Anyways, I kept trying to get ahold of him after that, but failed until his birthday, when I made one last ditch to get back in the game. It was, to this point, a no go. Meanwhile, I can’t stop thinking about him and how great he is- I’m completely hung up and I know it. I’ve been trying to get back out there and on the horse but it honestly doesn’t feel right to. It also doesn’t help that while I was trying to forget the bastard, Artemis has dreams involving him, where him and I are together, and I literally said that it was all a misunderstanding and not to worry, like that is supposed to help me feel better? Holding out hope just to snatch it away… Venus claimed yet another one from me, and all I can do is move on and try to find happiness elsewhere. It’s a damn shame too- I really liked this one.
Artemis- I’ve been involved with a few Aries, and they have all been the types who want to take center stage in their social group (no detriments to their sun in their charts). The first Aries I had the pleasure of getting to know was my second girlfriend. We met after my first girlfriend, the notorious Capricorn ex, cheated on me with an Aries (this Aries had a GIANT Aries tattoo on her back that I found out about from pictures of the two of them together, fun fun! She ended up leaving my Capricorn ex very shortly after I found out about this – the famous Aries attention span!). So, you know, I had my gripes about Aries – as we always do when we have a bad experience with a sign. I became a bit of a raging alcoholic that year in college, trying my hand at a hot, taken Sagittarius for a bit but never actually hooking up (god damn that was a long chase). I was also heavily involved, and head over heals, with a Libra, who had a girlfriend as well, and who was messing me up big time in the head. So, I joined a debate tournament, because I was an argumentative fuck with mountains of anger and needed to get that energy out somehow (Mars in my 3rd house in opposition to my Pluto on my MC). I blew past the competition, male after male, feeling like I was the only goddamn female in the entire tournament. That is, until I saw her name on the board.
Aries are ruled by Mars, the ancient ruler of Scorpio – meaning the two signs have a similar sexuality to them. Where Scorpio simmers and wants devotion, Aries explodes like a nuke and wants constant new experience. When you encounter an Aries, it feels like the fire is eternal. The thing is, fire always needs something to eat – and so does Aries’ sexuality. Most of the Aries I have known need excitement pumped into their relationship like an IV, and they wont be shy about demanding this. Don’t be fooled by these rams! Although they may come off as brave as the knights of old, they are really sensitive little sheep. They need the attention because their egos tend to be like black holes that constantly need filling (LOL). They may be predators to the max, but their feelings get hurt worse than a Gemini when they are turned down.
So I spotted the Aries’ name on the bracket, and she was moving through just as fast as I was. I peaked at some of her debates and my Aquarian nerd mind practically orgasm’ed with excitement at how smart, witty, and fiery this girl was. She wouldn’t take shit from the guys! She swung back at them just as hard as they swung at her, and they were practically drooling over her as she smashed one debate after the other with a dashing smile and amazing sense of humor (she was a Saggo rising). She was clearly the best debater there – until me, that is, duh. It was like some epic movie where we were pitted to go up against each other for the final round of the debate tournament. I was so fucking excited. I mean, what could be more erotic for a nerd than going up against a hot as hell, powerful, hilarious and smart woman in the final round of a debate tournament? Then the Libra I was involved with at the time passed away out of nowhere. She had a blood clot in her brain and didn’t make it through surgery. So I was essentially a puddle of the person I use to be and couldn’t even bring myself to eat, let alone debate the hot Aries. I dropped out of the tournament and she won by default.
Aries do everything with a sense of urgency – like their doctor just told them they have 6 months to live. This makes them kinda horrible at foreplay. They just want to tear your clothes off and get going. The foreplay is your head between their legs, and the sex is either your or them screaming some safe word because the feeling is just too intense. Having sex with them is like the blood lust of a wolf wringing the neck of a rabbit. It’s carnal, it’s animalistic, it’s all consuming and very direct. A lot of Aries I have known have been into S&M; loving the intensity and domination aspect of it all. I have even been told by an Aries that they want to chase me through their house until they catch me – this is what they consider foreplay. Frightening, right? Well, if you don’t get off on being frightened in some way, they may not be the one for you!
So after I dropped out of the tournament, the Aries got pissed. Of course, this wasn’t the way an Aries would ever want to win! About 2 months later, she contacted me out of the blue via email, demanding that I debate her. We started having a very intellectual back and forth, and then began talking on the phone every single day. We literally became insuperable, and one day I called her and told her I was driving from Chicago to New Jersey to see her. She hopped in her car as well, fucking daring ass Aries, and we met halfway in New Stanton, PA – some small as fuck town right outside of Pittsburgh. Of course, we just had sex the entire day and then she took me back to New Jersey with her. We dated for 3 years after that, which led to my year of smoking so much marijuana and doing so many psychedelics that I forgot who the fuck I was. She was in a co-ed fraternity where they partied like no other group of people that I have ever met, and I truly got the debauchery, adventurous Aries feel the entire time.
Aries love danger. They love to know that their are people in the other room and they could come in at any second. They love to make love in cars in the middle of the day. They live for this kind of shit, and every date I have ever had with an Aries involves us running around town causing trouble. Fighting, even if it’s playful fighting, gets Aries off like nothing else. I went on a date with an Aries once and gave her a playful shove as we walked down the sidewalk and it was like fireworks went off in her mind. This was the same Aries who would grab me in the middle of a party, or the dance floor at a club, and make out with me furiously so that everyone could see. They LOVE attention, especially sexual attention, and especially from multiple people at a time. This Aries in question also loved to invite multiple people she knew were interested in her to the same goddamn club so that she literally had men and woman following her like Jesus and his 12 disciples. She would giggle when they would fight over her attention, and she would specifically ignore people so that the sexual tension would build. Because of my nature, this really fucking turned me off and I ended up not wanting to see her.
There is something about their sexuality that screams, “you are going to have a fun fucking time, even if it’s just for tonight,” and you don’t want to miss it!
My second gf, the debate Aries, also needed to constantly be the center of attention, and would get pissed at me when women and men would fawn over her and she wouldn’t cast aside the attention. No, she thrived off of the attention, as Aries do, and me taking that from her would be like taking away her life blood. We would have explosive fights, then explosive sex, until one day it all died down because – well – Aries wanted to go on her next adventure. She ended up cheating on me with a woman named Nadia who she brought around to all her friends – and this right after I moved to New Jersey for her. She would still contact me from time to time, even after she got fucking married to her wife. The most recent contact from her was this very Venus Retrograde we are going through right now! I told her to never fucking contact me again with all the viciousness I could muster.
There is a self-centerdness to an un-developed Aries, but those that can truly harness their powers are fearless. They get us going, they make us feel alive, and they make us believe we can literally take over the whole goddamn world. Their spontaneity is unlike any other sign in the zodiac, and you will never have a dull moment with one of these rams around. Their energy levels are also off the chain, and sex can be a few hour affair with these guys. They are relentless, and one of the few signs that can have sex multiple times a day and still not get sick of it. Hell, they want more! And we want more of them! I mean, who wouldn’t like to get their pants charmed off of them and breathed new life into them? No one knows sex like an Aries. You can’t turn down something so goddamn cute, and seemingly upfront and blunt about their wants, can you? You know exactly what Aries wants – they can never hide that, and that in itself makes them irresistible.