Fuckstrology: Taurus

Helios– Well, here we are again! Time for us to rehash our endless lessons in love, and y’all LIVE for it! So does Taurus, that filthy drama qween. Taurus is MESSY. They are impulsive, lascivious, and impatient, not to mention bloody-minded on getting whatever they think that they want today. That being said, Taureans can be some of the most fun and dependable people you have in your life, giving wonderful company and good times (not to mention killer wine recommendations!) but we don’t do this series to be overly complimentary!

So, Taurus. Taureans are crazy- But the thing is, they have no idea that they are crazy. They are the calm, still point in a swirling hurricane of chaos and destruction. Taureans are sensual, impulsive creatures who rarely think beyond the end of their nose. They build from Aries, preferring to act first and think later… and typically stick with what they were doing until it becomes a habit. This is all for good reason though. Taureans have far more heightened senses than most of us, and they tend to overwhelm the poor kids. It is hard for them to do more than live for the moment, because everything is SO INTENSE for them. Taureans are super afraid of getting hurt and will take great pains to avoid conflict, even if it is to their own detriment. They hate taking the risk of pain because they feel it just as intensely as pleasure. They love being pampered and taken care of, they love to feel as though they are worthy of your time and effort, and when they feel worthy they will repay you in kind.

Taureans in bed are great. Like… real great. They will take their time, make sure that you both have a great time, and they hate being rushed- It kills their mood. If you make the mistake of killing the mood, they sulk and then you have to build them back up with platitudes. Not as bad as Leo, but close. Taureans weaknesses are Lips and their necks. That is their most erogenous zone, and if you take it to that level after building up to it, your Taurus will adore you and lavish their love on you, even if its just for one night.

Now, for my shitty experiences with Taureans. One, in particular, comes to mind- Let’s call him K. Now this guy was a star athlete in my high school, and he was a year above me. We also happened to work together at the local grocery store. Well, at this time I didn’t have a car due to an annoying accident, and it was a really snowy night. K offered to give me a ride, and I agreed, even though I lived 8 blocks from the place. He ended up living closer, and after we stopped to get food, we ended up going back to his place. As you can imagine, one thing led to another as it tends to do, and there were fun times had. Well, somehow things came out to the school at large, and it became this HUGE DEAL. Like, I had to go to meetings with the principles (we had 4 for some reason) and there was a guidance counselor and coach fired over it. It was huge, and to this day I have no clue why. Well I denied everything to everyone, and he did as well, but for some reason, no one believed us. We never really talked again and he went on to be a collegiate baseball player. I facebook stalked him, and unfortunately, he got fat, has an unattractive baby mama and an ugly baby. One of those who peaked in college. Tragic.

The second real big one I can talk about was a kid that we’ll call J. Well, this one was annoying- We bonded over our mutual ex, who you may hear about in the Gemini post, depends on how we do it. We both used to be fat when we were with him, then slimmed down after. He always wanted to bitch about our ex, and wanted to take things super slow (a common Taurus thing- fixation and plodding pace) but I would have rather moved on, and started something new. Well, I ended up getting annoyed by this guy and his fixation with our ex, and told him “Look, you’re not ready for something new. Get closure on [our ex] and then we can talk again” which to his credit he tried- except they ended up getting back together. Fuck me running, I guess. Well, there were a few other encounters with them, where I ended up getting drunk on whiskey and fighting my bar nemesis after J tried to hook up with said nemesis while ignoring both me and our ex. Messy bottom twinks are just the worst!

See you guys in Gemini!

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