22
Jun

Fuckstrology: Cancer

(Family members who follow me, please don’t read this one. Please)


Helios on Cancer– Here we are, at last, Heretics… Cancer. I saved this one for last because it is the story I didn’t want to tell- my greatest failure in love. Whatever you read below, I want you all to know that I am the same person who started this back in the age of Astrogeek’s Skywatch- You have never not known this version of me. Please don’t think any differently of me, and most of all, I beg that you do not pity me. That’s not what this series is for, and pity is the LAST thing I have ever wanted. Anyway, let me lay my soul bare one more time for you all.

Cancers are amazing. They frequently get forgotten in the whole zodiac propaganda machine, stuck between loud-ass Leo and annoying-ass Gemini, both thinking they are the universes’ gift to everyone around them. Cancer gets the image of being the mother, soft and nurturing, allowing for emotional acceptance and deep connections- but is that all they are? Cancers are also crazy in their own way, being the type to chase someone around the house and out the door with a frying pan, just because they happened to have some other girl or guy double tap their selfie on Instagram or dm them nudes. Overreaction much?

The thing you have to know about Cancer is that they are fragile. They put up this facade of false strength, trying to emulate Leo or Aries and pretend that their heart isn’t made of eggshell. This is because they are all hurt, and trying to deal with it, but not push it on anyone else- they can’t help when their pain leaks out of the cracks, however. Underneath the fragile outside of a Cancer, you have an ocean of emotion- full of deep love, sentimentality, pain, and loss; and Cancer always has stories. They hold onto so much that they should throw out, just because they have strong emotions to it and its familiar to them; The famous example is a box under their bed filled with childhood treasures and old love letters, kept just to remind them of better times. This can apply to people as well- Cancer hangs on more than any sign, except maybe Scorpio (who is honestly just Cancer with weapons after they drop the eggshell facade). If you are lucky enough to gain a Cancer’s trust and they let you into their emotional world, letting you plumb their depths, you will find that underneath the pain and love there is a core of solid diamond to them. Cancer can be one of the strongest, most determined signs in love that there is, being able to weather any storm or hardship, willing to sacrifice anything for the ones they love. Hell, if you have a Scorpio, Aries and a Capricorn up against a Cancer in an arena/deathmatch situation, I would bet anything on the Cancer.

….

Okay, deep breath Helios. You can tell this story. It’s time to face it.

Remember, please don’t think of me any differently. That’s all I ask.

When I was ending high school, I was very, very sick. I have written about this before, and it changed the entire course of my life. I ended up going in and out of doctors offices daily, having all sorts of tests to try and find out what was wrong with me. Nothing worked, and I lost about 80lbs in less than two months, my teeth were falling out, and my throat was collapsing. I barely managed to walk across the stage to get my diploma (after my Scorpio mom fought tooth and nail to get me to graduate even though I missed so much school) and shortly after I was having surgery that didn’t fix the problem so much as make it more manageable.

Well, due to medical science not having any clue what was wrong with me, I turned further to the occult and non-traditional healing methods, learning more about body energetics and reinforcing my health with crazy things like deep earth magic and shit- I was desperate. This caused me to seek out other people who knew more about these things than I did, and with the internet helping to connect more and more of us I found several (this was in the full myspace and Xanga days before Facebook overtook everything). One of them was this amazing girl named Terra, who was into Alchemy. I  fell for her as soon as we met- she was living the full emo aesthetic but had this long blond hair and eyes blue like the ocean. Her laugh was infectious, and I did everything I could to hear it as often as possible. We started dating and she tried to help me fix what was wrong with me, along with the rest of our group (I refuse to call us a coven, I’m not a nerd). As often happens with young romance, she ended up pregnant.

This changed our relationship dramatically, as you could imagine. All of a sudden the extroverted, happy girl I knew became sullen and far more dependent on my emotional and financial support, and I swear I tried to be the best guy I could for her. I was even shopping for rings. My love for her was real, but her pain was deeper. You see, her parents had died in a car crash about 5 years before I met her, and she lived with an aunt who didn’t much care what happened to her. I wanted to save her from that. We talked about marriage, who our children would be (because she was pregnant with twins) and dreamed about our life. We also fought a lot. We feared the future but knew we both needed the other one in it.

One night, after a particularly bad fight, I stormed out to walk around the city moodily, as any self-respecting emo kid would have. I smoked and stared out over a bridge for a few hours, then went to the mall to pick up a present for her to apologize for fighting and try and make up for it. I remember it was a white bear. I… I went back to her place and… *sighs* While I was out, she had slit her wrists in the bathtub. She had no pulse. Her aunt wasn’t home and… it was just me. I am ashamed to say the sight caused me to run out of the house. I kept running. I remember I eventually just stopped somewhere and screamed.

By this point, I was already drinking and stripping at a local gay bar (Hey, I had abs for the first time in my life, and I was going to take full advantage of the situation- no matter how bad of a dancer I was!) and I started drinking much harder. I turned to pills, and after that, heroin. Anything to try to get the sight of her in that bathtub out of my head. I couldn’t sleep and ended up dating a drug dealer to try to get free weed and pills. I just kept thinking about how I couldn’t save her. About how the future we planned was never going to happen now. I was never going to be a father now. I was in the darkest place imaginable, and I did everything I could to run from the pain. Since I never told my family about her, or my main friends, only our little group knew her- and I couldn’t face them. So I tried to move on and forget. I threw away the pictures we had and the notes we shared. I killed off her memory and removed anything that reminded me of her- something I regret now, and something that I tend to do regularly. I started having a lot of random sex and ended up becoming a prostitute (because if you’re good at something, never give it away for free!) but that only stopped the pain for a few minutes. I refused to let anyone get close to me, and made it a point to “cut out my heart”, stop feeling anything, good or bad. Only recently, when I was living in Denver, did I start to change that and start letting people in. Hell, since I started letting myself feel again. It hasn’t been easy, and I have a lot of emotional growth to do. But I am working on it.

So I ask you again- Please don’t think any differently of me. Please don’t pity me. I am the same Helios I have always been. You have never known me without carrying this pain. I don’t share this to elicit sympathy, I share this story because this is part of the series that allows me to hold up a mirror to myself in love and relationships and that has become therapeutic. I have not always been the good guy, and I have made many mistakes. I’m only human.

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One Comment

  • Connie says:

    What a thing to go through alone. Your amazing for having survived that, no matter how you did it. Its brave to share such deep pain. How do you feel now? That tragedy has brought out who you are now, so it was a brutal learning experience of how to deal with loss. I am learning a different kind of loss, but this is helpful for me now. Thank you, your an inspiration!

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