18
Apr

On Positivity (Or, Whatever Happened to Baby Helios?)

Hello Heretics. Let me begin with this- I love each and every one of you, and it has been my distinct honor to help you make sense of the changing tides we have navigated since I started back in 2011. I’ve been trying to write this article for months and I just…. haven’t been able to- still, I owe all of you an explanation for what has been happening and why I’ve been so silent as of late.

Here’s the Tea, sis- Last year, I started dating my absolute dream guy (Previously mentioned in the Pisces Fuckstrology- The Beach Bum with a Heart of Gold). Like… I cannot even come close to expressing how happy I was, for the first goddamn time in my life. I didn’t even realize how much love I was lacking in my life until I took the plunge and confessed how I felt to him, jumping into the terrifying abyss of emotion I had been avoiding. AND IT PAID OFF. I got the guy, and it was bliss. It felt like my soul had been holding its breath for over two decades and finally exhaled for the first time. I have been with over 1000 people (stopped counting years ago, no idea of the actual number anymore [Also its a point of embarrassment for me and not a brag. But that’s a topic for another day]) and not one of them ever made me feel the way I felt when I was with him, when it was us together.

Then came Thanksgiving. I vastly underestimated the effect of a Full Moon exactly on my natal sun. I was driving down to meet his parents after working third shift the night before and baking homemade roasted tomato basil bread FROM SCRATCH and on no sleep, after my family all used my hotel discounts to fuck off and leave me by myself. Super fun. So I’m wearing my nicest sweater and armed with homemade bread to impress his super conservative parents. 10 minutes before I get there I see I’ve missed like 5 calls from him. Apparently, they pressed him on why this guy they had never heard of was coming to their dinner and he had no choice but to tell them he was dating a dude. There was shouting, and he was disowned, and he ran out to go get drunk under a bridge. He wouldn’t tell me where he was so that I could find him and come get him, and be there for him. Hours later I finally hear from him, and I convince him to come up to me since he wouldn’t let me come and get him. This haunts me, as I should have pressed harder to get him.

I don’t hear from him for a week and I am STRESSED. When I finally hear from him I find out he had totaled his new car. His parents (the same ones who disowned him that same day) proceeded to use their money and the fact that he had no health insurance at the time to strike a devils bargain: He would break up with me, be straight, and go to rehab out in California. He had no choice but to accept, and I understand that. Even in a no-win scenario, you have to make a choice. That would be one thing on its own, but to add cosmic insult to injury I had an ex/friend who was brutally murdered two days before Thanksgiving, and had proceeded to tell him how much I needed him and that I couldn’t handle losing anyone else. Then I lost him. This brought up all the old emotions from another girlfriend I had lost.

All that together truly and utterly broke me. I went into a severe downward spiral, there was a suicide attempt, and I ended up in a mental health facility for a bit. Now, before any of you pull the “reaching out” line out of your ass, I did. To so many people. Any lifeline I thought I could grab. Quite a few of them talked about karma, cosmic destiny, and staying positive no matter what. Well, ill tell you that I was positive that I wanted to kick all of them straight in the teeth for dismissing what I was going through. From my perspective, every time I allowed myself to feel love for someone they were ripped away from me, and usually through death or tragedy. How is that the cosmic plan? How in the hell am I supposed to stay positive after losing my girlfriend and unborn children? The first girl I was able to come out to? The boy who made me feel like I was loved for the first time in my entire miserable life? Not to mention all those who I had wronged in my life in one way or another (pretty much everyone I’ve ever known, including but not limited to Artemis).

The hardest part about all of this is that I continued to (and still do) love him. Completely and utterly. My emotions never waned or wavered once. I just…. I wanted to die. So badly. I just wanted to stop hurting. I couldn’t imagine a life where I had to consciously choose to cut myself off from love because the common factor in this was me, so my love must be the toxic force. I had to be the problem.

In this community, there is a general narrative of “Love and Light”, where positivity conquers all. That mentality doesn’t hold up in the face of reality. Love and Light people tend to be middle-aged privileged white women who think slapping a Coexist sticker on their hybrid saves the world. Positivity cannot solve the world’s problems, but facing their horrific reality can, even if it shatters your soul. Love is not enough, but non-attachment just isn’t something we are built for as humans. We need to be better, myself included. We need to be brave enough to be authentic and real, not fake for likes and shares.

Anyway, that’s where I’ve been. I haven’t felt okay being a guide to the rest of you when I was so lost myself. I’ve always been driven by a strong sense of purpose and duty, and I take my responsibility to you all incredibly seriously- some days its been all that keeps me going, because I literally don’t have much else right now. I’m not throwing in the towel here, I promise to at the absolute very least finish the TNO’s and Centaurs (I have one left of each). I’m asking that you please be patient with me.

I sincerely love each and every one of you. Thank you so much.

-Helios