18
Apr

On Positivity (Or, Whatever Happened to Baby Helios?)

Hello Heretics. Let me begin with this- I love each and every one of you, and it has been my distinct honor to help you make sense of the changing tides we have navigated since I started back in 2011. I’ve been trying to write this article for months and I just…. haven’t been able to- still, I owe all of you an explanation for what has been happening and why I’ve been so silent as of late.

Here’s the Tea, sis- Last year, I started dating my absolute dream guy (Previously mentioned in the Pisces Fuckstrology- The Beach Bum with a Heart of Gold). Like… I cannot even come close to expressing how happy I was, for the first goddamn time in my life. I didn’t even realize how much love I was lacking in my life until I took the plunge and confessed how I felt to him, jumping into the terrifying abyss of emotion I had been avoiding. AND IT PAID OFF. I got the guy, and it was bliss. It felt like my soul had been holding its breath for over two decades and finally exhaled for the first time. I have been with over 1000 people (stopped counting years ago, no idea of the actual number anymore [Also its a point of embarrassment for me and not a brag. But that’s a topic for another day]) and not one of them ever made me feel the way I felt when I was with him, when it was us together.

Then came Thanksgiving. I vastly underestimated the effect of a Full Moon exactly on my natal sun. I was driving down to meet his parents after working third shift the night before and baking homemade roasted tomato basil bread FROM SCRATCH and on no sleep, after my family all used my hotel discounts to fuck off and leave me by myself. Super fun. So I’m wearing my nicest sweater and armed with homemade bread to impress his super conservative parents. 10 minutes before I get there I see I’ve missed like 5 calls from him. Apparently, they pressed him on why this guy they had never heard of was coming to their dinner and he had no choice but to tell them he was dating a dude. There was shouting, and he was disowned, and he ran out to go get drunk under a bridge. He wouldn’t tell me where he was so that I could find him and come get him, and be there for him. Hours later I finally hear from him, and I convince him to come up to me since he wouldn’t let me come and get him. This haunts me, as I should have pressed harder to get him.

I don’t hear from him for a week and I am STRESSED. When I finally hear from him I find out he had totaled his new car. His parents (the same ones who disowned him that same day) proceeded to use their money and the fact that he had no health insurance at the time to strike a devils bargain: He would break up with me, be straight, and go to rehab out in California. He had no choice but to accept, and I understand that. Even in a no-win scenario, you have to make a choice. That would be one thing on its own, but to add cosmic insult to injury I had an ex/friend who was brutally murdered two days before Thanksgiving, and had proceeded to tell him how much I needed him and that I couldn’t handle losing anyone else. Then I lost him. This brought up all the old emotions from another girlfriend I had lost.

All that together truly and utterly broke me. I went into a severe downward spiral, there was a suicide attempt, and I ended up in a mental health facility for a bit. Now, before any of you pull the “reaching out” line out of your ass, I did. To so many people. Any lifeline I thought I could grab. Quite a few of them talked about karma, cosmic destiny, and staying positive no matter what. Well, ill tell you that I was positive that I wanted to kick all of them straight in the teeth for dismissing what I was going through. From my perspective, every time I allowed myself to feel love for someone they were ripped away from me, and usually through death or tragedy. How is that the cosmic plan? How in the hell am I supposed to stay positive after losing my girlfriend and unborn children? The first girl I was able to come out to? The boy who made me feel like I was loved for the first time in my entire miserable life? Not to mention all those who I had wronged in my life in one way or another (pretty much everyone I’ve ever known, including but not limited to Artemis).

The hardest part about all of this is that I continued to (and still do) love him. Completely and utterly. My emotions never waned or wavered once. I just…. I wanted to die. So badly. I just wanted to stop hurting. I couldn’t imagine a life where I had to consciously choose to cut myself off from love because the common factor in this was me, so my love must be the toxic force. I had to be the problem.

In this community, there is a general narrative of “Love and Light”, where positivity conquers all. That mentality doesn’t hold up in the face of reality. Love and Light people tend to be middle-aged privileged white women who think slapping a Coexist sticker on their hybrid saves the world. Positivity cannot solve the world’s problems, but facing their horrific reality can, even if it shatters your soul. Love is not enough, but non-attachment just isn’t something we are built for as humans. We need to be better, myself included. We need to be brave enough to be authentic and real, not fake for likes and shares.

Anyway, that’s where I’ve been. I haven’t felt okay being a guide to the rest of you when I was so lost myself. I’ve always been driven by a strong sense of purpose and duty, and I take my responsibility to you all incredibly seriously- some days its been all that keeps me going, because I literally don’t have much else right now. I’m not throwing in the towel here, I promise to at the absolute very least finish the TNO’s and Centaurs (I have one left of each). I’m asking that you please be patient with me.

I sincerely love each and every one of you. Thank you so much.

-Helios

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7 Comments

  • Whitne says:

    I get you. I lost everything 16 months ago. Everything. Got evicted. My storage, including my library, was stolen. I broke me elbow and lost my bodywork practice. My cat ran away. The most amazing man was taken from me, arrested on false charges and extradited. Even had stitches in
    my face. Then I was homeless and a mob of idiots tried to cut down my tent because of the terrible front page newspaper article about my love. All of that happened in 6 weeks.

    I gave up. Like all the way. But a good man scooped me up. I’ve been sober for almost 10 months. And I think about my love in jail everyday. That’s part of me might never be available for anyone else again. I don’t know how to move on. I’m stuck. Even tho I have a man who loves me and tells me that I am everything he has ever wanted. Makes me feel like such an asshole.

    Just keep breathing. Please. Change is the only constant. Sometimes, that’s all that gets me thru.

    You are loved

  • LL says:

    it’s nice to hear someone not blather on about “positivity” and “love and light.” way to fight through your struggles and challenges. way to be human and experience things and deal with them as so few do. you can always come out to be a better person.

  • Jesse says:

    Thank you for sharing. This mirrors a lot of my story, and it takes a lot of courage to put this out.

  • JP says:

    When I read this I was really taken with your raw honesty. I had been wondering what happened to the posts that I’d come to anticipate – and I wondered if something dire had happened. I say this because I am a stranger to you, and yet you matter to me. I suspect you matter to a great number of people that you have touched through your posts. While we aren’t physically in front of you to hug you and tell you we love you, know that we do.
    There’s several bits of “advice” that come to mind, but they would take too long to write. As someone who has been struggling for the last two years – everything taken away, but in a different way than your struggles – I’ve had to really try to figure out what keeps me going on in this insane world. Why get up in the morning? You have to figure out your personal reason for living ( your personal Sine Qua Non) that has nothing to do with another person. And when you do, hang onto it with everything you have. From there – don’t think. Shrink your focus to the thing in front of you, and get through that. Just keep doing the thing in front of you and ignoring the rest. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, until you come back to life. You owe it to yourself and world to keep going. Because despite the horrors, there’s too much beauty in the world to give up on it. And you are an important part of that beauty.

  • TeTeresareTT says:

    You are loved and cared about more than you know. Reach out to those close by you even if we are your dysfunctional family!

  • Jason Wynn says:

    Helios, it is the lost and raw voice you have in the hardest moments, that reaches through your posts and tells us that we’re all in this merde together. Sometimes that’s more than any guidance could offer. I have been wondering about you. Artemis dropped her page just before you, and right at the foot of some momentous celestial changes. But I had a feeling you’d be back for us. I am so sorry to hear of the journey you’ve been on. It is like you have returned from the underworld. I am sorry to hear that Orpheus could not return with Eurydice. I am glad you are still with us.

  • Brad says:

    Thanks for the update man. Been wondering where you’ve been these days.
    Sorry you’ve been having such a rough go at it lately. It seems like this year has been putting too many of us in a wringer.
    Gods know I’ve been going through my share of shit, even a broken arm.

    I know I’m ready to get off this (not so)hellish ride that is 2019 so far.

    Anyways, I hope things get better for you Helios. Keep your head up,hang tough, and take your time. We’ll all be here waiting patiently for your next entry into the heretical oracles saga.

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